My Dearest Kitty ... (Part Five)

Dear Cat:


I will preface with the following… please realize you only exist in my world for my personal entertainment! (I write about and the happy purrs at night… because I know you cannot open the canned cat food without my assistance) So please note the following:

·     For Safety Reasons fellow cat owners: Pulling a cats tail making the sound of Ringdingydingydingy like a pull start lawn mower has a 90% percent chance of looking for a band-aid. Be sure you run to CVS and get some Scooby-Doo Band-Aids before attempting.

·     Also… I did not realize your palate was the level of a Master Chef. Half and Half does taste the same as non-dairy creamer in those little plastic cups. So stop giving me ‘the paw’ in protest.

·    Oh and just because you see chicken or pork on the TV screen from the Food Network Channel… please stop editing my shopping list! It is recorded TV and the paw prints on the TV screen are getting old.

·    Ummm… I give you refrigerated tap water in your bowls daily. I am still curious of why I have to wait in line to use my own bathroom as you drink out of the toilet bowl. You lick your own butt and cannot drink out of your own toilet in your own bathroom?

·    Again… STOP GIVING ME ATTITUDE if I accidentally step on you in the dark because you decided to sleep in the middle of the floor. Generally your naps are on the bed, couch or your own double bed ‘IN THE OTHER ROOM’. I do not need 24x7 meow contact/updates.

·    Tonight I will reward you with snackems and canned food since you made it finally to the kitchen tile for your ‘present’… 2 squirts of Windex and a paper towel.

·    OK… I know my tennis shoes might stink! However, stop sticking your head inside and then looking at me with that funny face. You already knew what you getting into from the start.

So Cat… it is going to get cold soon! I hope the cat burglar does not steal your blankeys… hehe

·    You seem to groom your hair more often than I do myself. Do you really need to lick 24x7 (during your waking hours)…? I shower and apply product to my hair and I am good to go for at least a day! You have not moved in 23 hours… you did not get dirty.

·    Note to self: Do not pull cats tail as the emergency evacuation plan is needed due to green fog. They can bring tears to your eyes.

·    Oh… my Chicken in a Biscuit Crackers is HUMAN FOOD! Just because it smells like chicken and has a faint chicken taste, they are mine.

·    Umm… I did not create ‘thunder’ so your need to make me find a Scooby-Doo Band-Aid? No snackem’s tonight!!!

·    Also… I appreciate the 3AM present you personally made for me. However, you were in range of the tile floor vs. the carpet by only 2 feet. Please try harder to ‘gift’ your furballs on tile… Windex is cheaper!

·    OKAY this is your final warning… the Blackberry is MINE! Please stop sleeping on it, stealing it or shoving it under the bed. I’m just saying!

Until next time,

Christopher